


On Your Own

by PetitManu



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, M/M, Prison
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:54:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7433987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitManu/pseuds/PetitManu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fernando is in prison serving a three-year sentence. Juan is waiting for him, always.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Knock On My Door

_All I want is someone who can fill the hole  
_ _In the life I know  
_ _In between life and death  
_ _When there’s nothing left_

...

_Tell me if it's true  
_ _That I need you  
_ _You are changing_

_..._

_Lies  
_ _I've got to get rid of this hole inside_

* * *

_So, here we go_  
_No knock on my door_  
_Believe it 'till you see_  
_what living has done to me_  
_And I'm sure that I need holding_

...

_Cry, I cry every night  
_ _I need to hold you tight  
_ _Baby, can you see me  
_ _Knocking down your door_

 

Juan got up from his bed and went to fetch his car keys from the dresser in the hall. It was this time of the month again.

It was the only thing to get him out of the house these days.

'Soon,' he told himself. Soon he would be able to actually touch him again.

Fernando had been locked up for seven months now. Juan wondered how much longer he would be able to wait.

To be restrained from any tactile sensation was the worst punishment. When Fernando had still been a free man, walking amongst them, Juan could at least place a reassuring hand onto his shoulder or pull him into a hug. Now all that was left was a glance through several inches of bulletproof glass and the sound of Nando's soft voice on the other end of the line. 

How he wished he had told Nando about the small tugs inside his stomach whenever they had spent time together -  before all this happened.

Juan hadn't lived for months. He didn't think that constant state of despair constituted something he could call 'living'.

Juan was restless, his life devoid of any purpose. He knew that he couldn't have what he wanted. It was locked behind bars, behind the eyes of his best friend.

Sighing quietly, Juan slipped inside the driver's seat and turned on the engine. The faint smell of gasoline filled the inside of the car. Remembering every turn he had to take, Juan replayed the journey inside his head before driving off into the early morning air.

\---

"Juanin, my friend, how are you today?"

Juan swallowed hard.

"I miss you."

Fernando smiled coyly.

"I've missed you, too, hermano."

"Fernando."

They looked at each other in silence. 

Juan noticed that Fernando's face looked different. It was more his expression than anything else. Fernando seemed more suspicious, as if he was scared Juan was not going to come back next time.

Juan knew he was going to come back every time.

Fernando had two new tattoos on his arms.

Juan didn't like them.

"So, how is life on the outside?"

Juan knew he had to lie. 

"It's alright..."

Fernando scoffed at his answer.

"I sure hope it's better than my days in here."

If only he knew.

"Well, it's not the same without you."

Subtle, Juan.

Fernando gave him a funny look.

"I'm sure you're doing fine."

Juan was focusing on a particularly prominent freckle on Fernando’s nose.

"Yeah, I guess..."

Why did he never say what he wanted to tell Nando?

Another day spent talking to his friend without saying anything. Nothing had changed between them. Not to Fernando’s knowledge.

Before saying goodbye, Juan traced Nando's face with his eyes, something he had started doing after their first meeting, which they had also spent not saying anything.

"Thanks for coming every time."

Juan smiled sadly.

"You're my best friend."


	2. Change My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juan is getting personal.

_I should have told you  
But I never did_  
_Get up at three_  
_Then I'm gone without a fear_

 _I gaze up, eyes to the sky  
But you tell me a lie_  
_Gazing up deep in those eyes  
_ _And they say that I_

 _Didn't wanna see a red light shine_  
_Wish that maybe we collide_  
_Anything to change my life_

 _I should have told you  
That my days ain't long_  
_Get up at two now_  
_I put the telly on_

 _I often wondered  
But you're so confused_  
_You lift me up to the top_  
_Then you say that I_

 _Didn't wanna see those red lights shine_  
_Wish that maybe we collide_  
_Anything to change this life_

* * *

 

Juan returned a month later.

"Good to see you."

Fernando seemed to be in a good mood.

"Hi."

Juan almost hadn't come.

"How are you?"

"Could be better..."

"Come on, who's the convict here!"

Juan almost laughed, but he could only manage a bitter smile.

"Yeah..."

Juan couldn't look at Fernando for too long. It made him sad.

"You could write me some time, you know..."

"What?"

Juan looked up. He hadn't expected that.

"Just, you know... if you feel like it."

Juan had considered it, but dismissed the idea as silly.

"I'll think about it."

As the guards returned after an hour, Juan was screaming internally. They never seemed to have enough time. For not talking about anything. That seemed pretty ironic.

"I'll see you next month then, I guess?"

"Yeah."

Of course.

Back in his car, Juan wondered what he could write in a letter to Fernando. He had always been better at expressing his feelings in writing, but with Nando this was different. He couldn't just pour his heart out. That would be inappropriate.

-

Brooding over his fifth attempt, Juan settled on "Dear Fernando", even though it seemed too formal. He had to write _something_.

 

_Dear Fernando,_

_I hope you're okay._

 

Sure, he was in prison, that must mean he was doing fine.

Juan kept it anyway.

 

_I wanted to tell you this for a long time._

 

No. That had to go.

But the beginning was okay.

Sixth attempt.

 

_Dear Fernando,_

_I hope you're okay. I don't know what you'll be doing when you read this, maybe you're at lunch or back in your cell. I am here at my desk writing those lines._

_This is pretty hard for me. I know you'll laugh at this, but it's true. Writing letters feels so personal._

 

No. Absolutely not.

Seventh attempt.

 

_Dear Fernando,_

_I hope you're okay. I don't know what you'll be doing when you read this, maybe you're at lunch or back in your cell. I am here at my desk writing those lines. I wish I could see you in person, but I guess I'll have to wait until our next meeting. I haven't been honest with you. I haven't really been doing anything since you had to go. Before that, I would have never thought that your absence would hurt so much, but it does. I don't want you to think that I am only telling you this because I feel sorry for you. My motives are purely selfish. I don't really know how to say this. I really miss you, Nando._

_Yours,_

_Juan_

 

He had to admit, his letter was pretty short, but it would serve its purpose. If Fernando decided he didn't like the way their friendship would change, he could still tell Juan to stop coming.

Before he could change his mind, Juan sealed the letter in its envelope and took it out to send it. How very old-fashioned.

 


	3. Slide Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As life goes on outside the prison, Juan discovers that Fernando has not been completely honest with him either.

_So take your time_  
_I wonder if you're here just to use my mind_  
_Don't take it slow_  
_You know I've got a place to go_  
  
_You always do that_  
_Something I'm not sure of_  
_But just for today_  
_Let go and slide away_

 

 

* * *

 

The reply came a week later.

 

 

_My sweet Juanin,_

_thank you for your last letter. I didn't mind that it was short, I was just very happy to hear from you. I don't think you are being selfish. You have always been a good friend to me and for that I am grateful. Please don't think your letters don't mean anything to me. They're the only thing to keep me company._

_I was actually eating breakfast when I read your letter. The food is terrible here, but I think I already told you that. Anyway, now I am in my cell and trying to concentrate, while Sergio is listening to his music. (It's very loud.)_

_I spend a lot of my free time (it's not much) reading. I recently discovered a book I'm sure you'd love to read, too. It's called 'The Human Stain'. It's from 2000._

_Sergio tells me to say hello. (I'm not sure you two would get along.) But we spend many nights talking. It's good to pass the time._

_I hope you're okay._

_Nando_

 

 

Juan didn't know what to make of it. He folded the letter and placed it back inside its envelope.

Reading that letter felt like getting a piece of Fernando's mind. This was a rare thing. Fernando usually didn't share too much, even among his friends.

Juan and Fernando had never really needed words to understand each other. But now that Fernando was not there, Juan had to rely upon whatever Fernando told him.

There were still three weeks left until he could see Fernando again. But before Juan could write another letter, he had to see Fernando face to face.

 

-

 

Juan swallowed hard as the guard unlocked the last gate that led to the visiting area. Fernando was not there yet. So Juan settled down on the chair in front of the glass window, trying not to let his nervousness show.

Fernando arrived five minutes later.

Juan felt sick.

"Hello, Juan."

Juan was holding tightly onto the receiver.

"Hi."

"Did you get my letter?"

"Yes."

"I was expecting a reply." Fernando pouted.

"I- I'm sorry," Juan stuttered, looking up into Fernando's eyes.

Fernando smiled at that.

"Fer."

"I'm listening."

"I need to tell you something."

"Oh."

Juan was staring at his left hand resting on the surface before him.

"When I said I was selfish..." He paused, waiting for Fernando to interrupt him. "What I meant was that I..."

"I know."

"What?"

Juan lifted his eyes to look at Fernando. He had stopped smiling.

"Juan, I should have told you before I left."

Juan nodded slowly.

"I wish I could help you. But I'm in here."

"Yes."

Juan felt miserable.

"Please be patient. But let's keep in touch. I want to know how you are doing."

"Yes."

Fernando tried to make jokes and told stories from his inmates, but all Juan could think of were those eyes, hiding so many thoughts. He wished he could look inside.

As he left the room for the seventh time, he knew that things would never be the same again.

 

 


	4. Drive You Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fernando and Juan are getting more personal.

_Oh lover I know this ain't what it should be_   
_But let me take you home_   
_I'll show you what you should see_   
_I was gonna drive you home_   
_I was gonna tell you who I wanted_   
_I was gonna drive you home_   
  
_I'll never change for anyone_   
_I know it's there but I just can't see it_   
_I know it's there but I can't see it_   
_A little light with you and me in it_   
_I know it's there but I can't see it_   
  
_I was thinking about the times I could have had_   
_And whether they turn out good if they turn out bad_   
_I was going to take you home_   
_Show you things your lover wouldn't know_   
  


* * *

 

 

Juan woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night. He couldn't remember what it had been about, it was just that feeling of dread that was slowly fading away.

To ease his mind, Juan went downstairs to get something to drink. He wiped the cold sweat from his face as he opened the fridge.

"Stupid dream..."

He settled at the kitchen table and gazed at the letter lying on top of it. This was Nando's third letter. The second one had arrived the day after their last meeting.

 

 

_Juanin,_

_I'm sure you are getting sick of my prison tales. But you're the only one I can share them with._

_Sergio keeps making fun of me and my letters. 'You're so old-fashioned', that's what he keeps telling me. He can be a real nuisance.  
_

_As for your last letter, I am still thinking of an answer. I've never been good with words, but that's all we have right now. It means a lot to me that you keep coming. I don't know what I am supposed to look forward to if it wasn't for our monthly meetings._

_(I am allowed in the visiting area next time - finally some changes around here. Seems like I behaved really well. ;) )_

_I hope you are taking care of yourself. Go out and meet some friends._

 

 

Juan knew very well that none of his friends could cheer him up. Fernando was the only thing that mattered.

 

 

_I want you to tell me about what you've been up to for a change. You being out there - there's so many things you could do._

_Well, I hope you come back here with some stories of your own. Until then..._

_All the best,_

_Nando_

 

 

-

 

It seemed like forever until their next meeting.

Juan was so nervous about it, he couldn't really sleep the night before. He had been fussing over his outfit for hours, but he ended up wearing what he always did anyway.

As usual, Juan was there early. He was sitting in the visiting area, fidgeting on his chair and hoping Fernando would be there soon.

Calm down, he told himself. There was nothing to be nervous about. Just...

"Juan!"

Fernando was led in by a guard, looking happier than ever.

Stupefied, Juan didn't get up and just waited until Fernando was sitting in front of him.

"Don't you want to say hello?" Fernando teased him.

Juan could't breathe.

"It's good to see you."

Fernando was staring at him, but Juan didn't know what to do.

"You look good."

Juan swallowed, kneading his hands and avoiding Fernando's glance.

"Are you alright, my friend?"

His heart pounding in his chest, Juan touched Fernando's hand, briefly.

"It's different like that."

"Yes," Juan replied quietly.

"I've missed this."

Juan felt very light-headed, almost sick. He didn't know what was happening to him, he couldn't say what exactly he felt in that moment. Fernando was still staring at him, probably waiting for a reaction. The clock was ticking away, while time seemed to stand still for a few seconds.

"Juan."

Juan didn't care anymore. He leaned forward, resting his head on Fernando's hands. 

"I'm sorry how things have developed."

"It wasn't your fault, Nando..." Juan whispered.

Fernando placed a soft kiss on top of Juan's head. Juan couldn't hold himself back anymore. 

"I'm so sorry, Juanin."

Fernando was resting his head on top of Juan's left shoulder, while Juan was crying quietly.

"I feel so stupid."

"Don't feel stupid."

"I need you, Nando."

Fernando laughed quietly.

"You're very patient."

"No."

Juan lifted his head and took Fernando's face in his hands.

"I am tired."

Fernando looked at him sadly.

"I want this to be over." Juan brushed his thumbs over Fernando's cheeks.

"Me too."

Juan managed a faint smile.

"You're very beautiful."

Juan was blushing furiously.

"I miss you, Juan."

Choking back another sob, Juan pressed his nose against Fernando's cheek, feeling Fernando's warm breath on his neck.

"Mmhhh..."

Juan paused for a moment, as if waiting for Fernando to push him away, but then he moved his face back to look into Fernando's eyes. He had never seen them up close like that. He thought he could see encouragement there, Fernando's firm gaze not moving away.

As he was moving their faces back together, Juan kept looking into those eyes, whatever they were trying to tell him. His eyelids fluttered as he finally pulled Fernando in for a shaky kiss. Breathing quickly, Juan pressed his lips against Fernando's mouth, carefully. It felt like no one else was in the room with them, as they were drawing even closer.

Finally pulling away from each other, they were both trying to catch their breath. Juan kept his hands on Fernando's shoulders, steadying himself, right before Fernando was moving back in.

Now things were definitely different between them.


	5. Stormy Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fernando seeing everything from his perspective.

_I wanted to tell you my story_

_How my life seemed to change in a matter of days_

_The heavens break I am walking tall_

_How come change always seems to bring the rain_

* * *

 

Fernando was trying to write his next letter to Juan, but Sergio kept distracting him.

"You writing to Juan again?"

Fernando sighed.

"I'm trying to concentrate here..."

Sergio shrugged.

"Can't be that hard, really. Declare your undying love for him, how beautiful he is and tell him I said 'Hi'."

"You don't get it. I am trying to reply here. Also, undying love..."

"Really?! I see how you look at those letters... That, my friend, is a fact."

Fernando shook his head and turned off the lamp at his bedside. He could continue in the morning.

"That conversation is not over!"

"Get some sleep, Sergio."

Sergio was mumbling something from the bed above. Fernando thought he could hear "ridiculous".

Soon, Fernando was drifting off to sleep.

He didn't know how late it was when he woke up again, but what he did know was that Sergio was making a lot of noise. 

"Sergio?"

Fernando thought Sergio hadn't heard him.

"Sergio!!"

No reply.

"Dude, that’s disgusting!"

Sergio stopped.

"Fucking tease."

"What..."

"Don't what me. You know what I mean."

Fernando was confused.

"Not really..."

In the dark, the rustle of Sergio's bedsheets was loud and menacing.

"Ser..."

Not waiting for an answer, Sergio lifted the covers from Fernando's bed. Fernando heard his own heartbeat.

"Sergio," he said softly. 

Moving closer towards him, Sergio wrapped an arm around Fernando's waist and pulled their bodies together.

"Fuck..."

"Does that feel good?"

Fernando felt Sergio right behind him.

"I have wanted to do this right since the day they brought you here..."

Fernando tried to think of something else. Sergio was running a hand over Fernando's thigh, making it impossible for him to ignore his presence.

"You are a very beautiful man and I have always felt drawn to beauty..."

A hand moving between his legs. Fernando panted as Sergio pushed his hand harder against him.

"I want to kiss you, Fernando."

Fernando groaned as he felt Sergio's lips brushing against the side of his neck. 

"Do _you_ want to kiss _me_?!"

Fernando was screaming internally. He shouldn't want to, but he felt so turned on in that moment, desperate for a touch.

"Yes..." he whispered, almost too quiet for Sergio to hear.

"Let me look at you..."

Sergio turned Fernando around and looked straight at him.

"Your face is lovely. I could stare at it forever..."

"Stop saying things like that..."

"I mean it."

Sergio continued by peeling off Fernando's boxer briefs. Fernando didn't dare to move an inch.

"Beautiful..."

Fernando sighed at Sergio's gentle touch, fingers moving up and down his sensitive skin.

"Do you want to help me with this..."

Sergio removed his hand and started moving his body against Fernando.

"Stop..." Fernando whispered. 

"Huh?"

"This is... too much."

Sergio pulled away.

"You don't want this?"

"Yes! I do."

"So, what do you want me do?"

Fernando thought for a moment.

"Just let me do this..."

Fernando turned onto his back. Looking at Sergio expectantly, he waited for him to move back in.

"I would love to touch you..."

Fernando smiled at him.

"OK..."

"I..." Sergio blushed or at least Fernando thought he did.

"Fernando, I..."

Sergio moved closer until Fernando could feel Sergio push his thumb against his opening. 

"Yes. Yes, please!"

Sergio proceeded by preparing him slowly. Just when Fernando thought he couldn't take any more, Sergio got up to get everything he needed.

Not until long and Sergio was finally pushing inside.

"Madre..."

Fernando swore under his breath.

Trying to match Sergio's movements, Fernando lifted his hips higher with every thrust. They were trying to keep quiet, but they forgot about it the quicker they moved.

"Wait..."

Fernando pushed Sergio down and turned around, now facing away from him.

"I can't look at you..."

"It's easier like that."

Fernando whimpered as Sergio pushed inside, grabbing his hips in the process. Their skin meeting violently, Sergio thrust into Fernando with his last strength until he collapsed behind him.

"God..."

Fernando rolled onto his back and thumbed over his erection, not taking long to finish himself off, too.


	6. Star Sail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juan and Nando meet again.

_Hello it's me, it's me_

_Calling out I can see you_

_Hello it's me, crying out, crying out_

_Are you there?_

_Hello it's me, it's me_

_I want to touch you_

 

* * *

 

 

Juan knew. That much was clear the next time they saw each other. Fernando tried to keep a straight face, but he felt a sadness hanging between them.

They hadn't talked about the kiss. And now they were sitting across from each other, pretending nothing had changed between them.

Juan did most of the talking. He barely looked at Fernando; he practically spoke to his hands.

"You didn't reply to my last letter. I hope you're okay?"

Fernando simply nodded. 

"I hope you know I'll always be waiting for you."

"I do."

"You mean a lot to me, Fernando."

"Juan..."

"Don't sound so sad, Fernando. This is my problem."

"That’s not true!"

Juan shook his head. 

"I won't come back here for a while..."

"What..."

"I need to figure this out by myself."

Juan got up from his chair. Was he crying?

"Juan, please don't leave."

"Goodbye, Fernando."

"Please!" Fernando grabbed his wrist, looking at him pleadingly. 

Juan turned back towards him, pondering. 

"I need you."

Juan choked down a sob and pulled Fernando into a quick kiss.

"I need you, too, Fer..."

Fernando wiped a tear from his eye as Juan left the room.

 

***

 

Sergio kept a firm hand on Fernando’s back as he was pushing inside of him. Fernando's knees were scraping across the cold floor of their cell, causing a sharp pain to shoot right up his legs.

"Everything alright, compadre?"

"Yes!"

"You should see yourself right now..."

Fernando groaned as Sergio slowed down and drew even closer, resting his chest against Fernando's sweaty back.

"God, I love those sounds you make..."

"Shut up, Sergio..."

"I love it when you swear..."

Sergio was running his hands over Fernando's shoulders and across his chest, making him gasp involuntarily.

"Fuck, Nando!"

Their movements grew more desperate, quicker and less coherent. 

"Fuck!"

Sergio grasped Fernando's thighs as he was pushing inside with his last strength, panting loudly and swearing under his breath. 

Letting his arms fall to the floor, Fernando collapsed under Sergio's weight and tried to bring his breathing back to normal. 

"You're so beautiful, Fernando."

Sergio turned Fernando onto his back and scanned his face.

"You look really exhausted..."

Fernando laughed quietly. "I wonder why that is..."

"Let's go back to bed."

Sergio pulled Fernando onto the mattress and kissed him softly.

"I'm glad you share my cell with me."

"I'm sure you are..."

Moving his fingers over Fernando's stomach, Sergio kept murmuring nonsense. Fernando shivered as he felt Sergio's thumb move towards the inside of his thigh.

"Sergio," he gasped and felt his hips buck towards Sergio's hand.

"I think I can help you."

Sergio dipped his head and placed kisses all over Fernando's sensitive body.

"Ffffuck..."

Sergio moved his mouth over Fernando's erection and his hot breath drove Fernando almost insane. 

Keeping his hand firmly inside Sergio's hair, Fernando pushed him even further down and tried to keep as quiet as possible while Sergio was sucking him off.

Swallowing hard, Fernando was focussing on the feeling of Sergio's lips against him, trying to ignore the sad look he last saw on Juan's face.

**Author's Note:**

> Too many prison and crime fics that I read. Let's see where this goes.


End file.
